Saturday, July 26, 2008

Lots To Think About

Wow! It's been a year since I've posted on this blog and I am not as deeply ashamed of myself as I was for the other blog I have that I have not posted on in TWO years, but I am ashamed nonetheless. I was looking back over some of the things I wrote to myself to unknown others and I couldn't help but smile at how deep thoughts can run when you allow yourself to be open and free about what it is you feel and think. I've had so many life changes in the last year that I don't know if I actually processed them all appropriately. A new job come and gone, a new baby, a new kind of spouse (same guy, different behavior), a new outlook on where I'm going and how, and the realization that I just might be a little older and possibly a little wiser. I'm finding that not everything I want in life is really "it." I thought I wanted two children and that was all I could handle. Amazing how the stretched mind and body can be much more flexible than previously believed. I thought I needed a job in order for my husband to respect me and to give me the proper support. Isn't it something when you add more to your plate and discover that what you thought you wanted and what you actually want and get are remarkably different. I handled having a job and raising two and a half children the best way I could. I felt ashamed when I didn't succeed as I thought I should have and wondered if I was destined to "just" be a good mom and stay out of the gladiator's arena called career. But time at home with my three boys has proven a mighty healer and wonderful deliverer. The fact is, I AM a good mom. I AM a good employee. I AM a good wife. And even (more like especially) when I'm not trying to be; I AM a good person. None of those labels define me in and of themselves, yet without them I cannot be myself. This year is a very interesting one for me. I plan to do what I have always wanted to do. I'm going to write: More and more, day by day. Pretty soon I hope to get published somewhere. Even if not forever as a career, I want to do it just so that I can say I did it and I can do it. Even as I say that, in my heart I know I am a writer and if it were my only choice, I'd feel like I'm getting the better end of the deal. Anyway, Look up!

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