Monday, May 22, 2006
It's about a quarter to midnight and I am wide awake wondering why. I don't have to be up. There are hundreds of reasons why I should be asleep, yet for some reason sleep eludes me. Well I suppose one obvious reason I can't sleep is that my three year old calls my name like a broken record hoping that I will indulge his midnight rendevous after I already spent a hefty quarter of an hour finding the perfect thickness and ergonomical arrangement of the bedcover for him! And then, perhaps another reason has absolutely nothing to do with my Little Midnight Wonder: I can't sleep because my mind is full and fully awake. I can't sleep because the big wheels keep on turnin' and I have no idea of what to do about my renegade steamship riverboat "Proud Martha". It is so easy to say "Life hands you a lemon. . . (you know the rest of the saying)." But sometimes making lemonade is not so simple. Sometimes problems may be or seem simple and yet they present perfect imposssiblities. I didn't expect my car to blow up (well actually, die) yesterday only days after paying a mint to get it out of the shop. I didn't plan on needing a new vehicle as I am preparing to put my oldest child in private school in the Fall (those places charge tuition!). I didn't expect for an additional 500-600 dollars to come out of my husband's already elastic paycheck this month due to someone else's miscalculations (especially since his is the only income we have)! There really aren't always simple answers to the simplest problems in life, or, are there? I'm sitting here in my chair wondering if it is as simple as just getting up off my butt and doing something about the problem. Can't you just go to work CeCe, and put the baby in daycare? Sure, if that would solve all the problems. But does that one move solve all the problems? Possibly, but what about those times when there is absolutely nothing (and I repeat nothing) that can be done (by me) about them? Where do I go from that point? Self-help gurus (who by the way probably do not have the problems I have because there are enough people like me to get them out of some of their problems with each book purchase)? Eastern Religion? No religion? So many questions, so little time to answer them. To be (rich, gorgeous, skinny, popular, forever young, ease-y, debt free, self-sufficient, you name it) or not to be (rich, gorgeous, skinny, popular, forever young, ease-y, debt free, self-sufficient, you name it)? Are those the questions? Just curious. I know what my answer is but I would love to know what you think. So, don't be afraid to mention what you think the answers may be. Good morning.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
How many times does one have to hear a phrase or saying before one realizes it is the truth? Have you ever heard the saying the more one repeats a lie the more one comes to believe it until the line between fact and fiction is no more? Well, I've come to the conclusion that the more one hears the truth the more one believes it as well. Now here comes the fun question: What is truth? I am not one to debate about whether truth is relative to the person who espouses it. I don't debate at all. I just believe. Is there a truth relative for everyone? I believe there is, but then I'm finding that most of the truths that hit home the most are the ones that relate to my life and living. As much as I would like to do this, I cannot always escape the reality (truth) of my life. Some circumstances are what they are and can not be altered, others can change or be changed but there are certain truths about the self that just are what they are and do not change no matter how much we would like them to go away permanently. I have a hard time accepting the bad in me. Not becuase it's not true, but honestly because I don't like to think that I have negative traits that affect my life and living. It doesn't mean that those traits define me totally as a person, and it definitely doesn't mean I go changing the rules to "fit" so that I don't "feel" like a bad person. Does that really change anything anyway? It does seem to put me at the Crossroads of decision. Do I chuck the reality and make my own rules? Some would argue that there are no rules and rules are for the weak-minded. That in essence says there is no true reality (absolute truth). We may as well all be a part of The Matrix and bend our realities to fit with the situations as they come (seems like fun on the Big Screen but it would make me crazy after a while). I would dare to venture that living by rules(principles) actually puts things the other way around. It takes more courage for an alcoholic to admit it to himself first and then to others that he has a problem. It is his own personal truth, yes, but there are others who may be in the same or a worst position; who are unwilling to even realize such a problem in themselves. They may deny their own need and call him weak for his admission, but, why do they chide?I believe that deep down inside of all of us is a seed of truth that is a part of all of us and no matter how we try to bury it or "cover it up" to remove it remains. And for some of us it remains locked up until death. To me that is a sad waste of a fettered life. I believe subconsciously we know it's there and we choose not to acknowledge it, but it is there and with the right opportunity and exposure to the right elements it germinates and grows. Even then there are our attempts to pluck the seedling up and destroy it, but the funny thing about the truth is that it never stays dead long. It has a funny way of resurrecting itself. Perhaps that is why we chide one another: we see the "bad" in others that also resonates with in our own hearts. We then must acknowledge our own fallibility. It then brings all of us to the Crossroads of decision. Do we now continue pressing for the truth about someone else knowing that it also presses for the truth about ourselves? And then what do we do about that realization of the truth about ourselves when it comes? The concept of absolute truth can be frightening not just for those who choose not to believe it but also for those who do choose to believe it. But there is such a freedom about knowing yourself and accepting the truth but even more for me because I know the truth about myself (good or bad) and then I'm no longer stuck I have the freedom to move forward down whichever path I choose because it is now a choice.
Sunday, May 7, 2006
This Blog is for all Mommies who can't seem to make sense of life. I am a stay at home mother who is occasionally torn between working and staying at home, raising children (spouse included) or running away with the circus. I know there is much debate and perhaps hostility over stay at home vs. go to work. I have had both sides of the coin of working outside of the home and having someone else care for my children and staying at home with them. The other thing I know is that whatever women choose to do; being a mother good, bad, or seemingly ugly is a "dem" hard job. For those who find it a necessity to work (single parents, extreme financial situations, sanity retention) I will never call you selfish or blind or wrong for what you do. You can only make the decision based on what you know and what is best for you and your family. Everything that is done in life is based on some principle. What principle do you live by? Have you ever thought about it? I just want to know what people are thinking. Good luck in your journey.
Monday, May 1, 2006
Wait. This isn't me. I want to do something! But is there really any way a thirsty-thirty-something-parent-of-two-and-spouse-of-one can really find contentment without "contempt"ment? Sometimes I wonder if being dedicated to a cause without consideration of my own desires is okay. I really do ask myself if what I long for on the inside (dreams, hopes, personal goals) is realistic or even necessary. Any one else?