Sunday, February 21, 2016

Finding "Me-Mo"

Yes, I did. I said finding "Me-Mo" as a play on the title of the consummate 'lost but finding so much more' epic tale (I absolutely love that movie). This is my first post for the new year and I cannot believe it is almost March of 2016! The other thing I cannot believe is that I spent an entire year away from this blog--I mean a literal 365-ish days from the last time I laid eyes on THIS blog. I lost something... I didn't realize how much I am like Marlon, the clownfish and protagonist of our previously mentioned fish tale (no pun intended, but you have to admit it works).  He lost his one and only surviving son, Nemo, and I -- I'm pretty sure I lost myself--again. I recently discovered that I am still going through the stages of grief (though right at the cusp of deliverance) as a result of my divorce 4 years ago. For those who don't know, the stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I am working on Acceptance at this very moment. I am coming to grips with my life expectations not being met in the way that I felt they should, but realizing that God is moving me into a place of balance and security in Him. I used to worry about everything all the time. I was always anxious and concerned with what others think of me, not realizing that circumstances don't make the person. I worried too much about whether I had the right connections if any at all. I have come to learn that only real connection I need is Jesus and He supplies the rest. It doesn't matter if I come from down home or downtown, I am precious in God's sight and my status is not my destiny or my favor. We all have circumstances that we feel make us undesirable to someone.  My hope is that I can get to a place where I am not pulled this way and that by my emotions and my concerns for this life. I know that I am secure in Christ--there is nothing preventing me from living the kind of life I desire except for my own fears, insecurities and misappropriated feelings.

Through Marlon's journey to find his son, he discovered things about himself that were not altogether pleasant like his temper, his deep seated pain,  and impatience. He also discovered things about himself that he didn't even know he possessed or thought he needed in his previously sheltered and paranoid life like strength, endurance, faith, friendship and courage. He found these things while looking for that lost part of himself. I too am learning more about who I am through this lost sense of self. I discovered that I don't want to be a teacher anymore (at least not in a typical classroom setting),  that I don't communicate very well when it comes to opening up to other people about myself, and that my desire is to be able to live a transparent and even a vulnerable life out loud. What I am finding is that sometimes what I think I want is not always what I want (I believe Marlon found that out as well), there is life after divorce and that I am me, unreservedly, unabashedly, and the me I am is the me I need to be, and the me I need to love and accept. I know that statement seems contradictory to the metaphor of being lost but actually it make sense to me because when I worry about what others think I automatically shrink away from who I truly am and focus on who I think others would be most comfortable with, but in the end both those around me and I lose out on my being my best self because I am not myself and I am most definitely not where I should be: I'm lost.

Well, I'm just putting it all out there... The journey home begins with a step and I'm taking it.

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