Why on Earth did you do that?

Is it me. . .or are boys in and of themselves quite noisy and strange? Different breed of the same species? I'm beginning to think so. I look at my two sons(who together have an effect quite like thunder in an otherwise quiet and peaceful mind), and I shake my head in awe and admiration and occasionally annoyance. They can make me smile and suck in a breath of pure wonder and before I've exhaled they do something that inspires me to nearly spit fire and brimstone and proclaim, "What on Earth were you thinking? Why did you just do that?" And that little wide-eyed three year old and that doe-eyed five year old look up as innocently as life and say "I don't know." It's absolutely too frustrating to try to get a seemingly valid and logical reason out of them as to why they flushed the Mega Bloks down the toilet and tatooed their bodies with Sharpies, but I suppose that is what makes parenting so much fun.

To My Friend The Atheist

I'm a Christian. No bells, no whistles, no spinning doves or covert hymns on my blog. Just me. Whatever is on my mind and heart. I've really had to re-evaluate my stand as a follower of Jesus Christ of Nazareth (That is who Christians are supposed to be following by the way). My journey of rediscovery has caused me to wobble like Weeble (though I didn't fall down) and boy did I shake when the reality of who and what I am and am supposed to be came into view. I'm not saying that all of the sudden I found myself a grand hypocrite (a great actor in a play pretending to be someone I am not). It is actually quite the contrary. At this point in my life I have found myself to be more real. Real about the reality in which I live. Real about people and their individual souls. Real about what being a Christian is all about and how that lifestyle should be lived. Real about not trying to "fake it until I make it". Real about really standing with Jesus and on his principles. With the way this world is going there really isn't much time for facades. No one has the monopoly on longevity (except God himself) and there is no guarantee of today and much less of tomorrow. Ask any soldier anywhere in the unstable world. Ask any cancer patient going into and coming out of remission. Ask anyone dying of AIDS. Ask the most recent surviving heart attack victim who just made it out of high school. So if life is but a brief encounter, why not live the way I want and throw caution to the wind? Shouldn't I do what I want if this is all there is? No one wants to think I wish. . . Oh, if only. . . If I had to do it over. . . Well,remember that discussion on truth? No matter what the "evidence" states there is something so elemental in each and everyone of us that cannot hide from the truth. I believe there is One Truth that was realized in the beginning of this world and has always been. . . God himself. I am not out to prove that there is a God. If there is anyone who chooses not to acknowledge God I do not argue with you or try to convince. I just believe. Honestly, I believe that fact has been established with more proof than anyone can shake a stick at. Look at a tree, heck, a leaf. Perfectly simple, yet remarkably complex. Neither you nor I can make one, but Someone did. The probability that it happened spontaneously is so astoundingly low that statistics are not even used as proof. We can replicate Amino Acids but we can't make a person or even a single-celled amoeba from scratch. The odds are pretty near impossible. Those thoughts aside, what would trying prove anything prove anyway? Does proving that there is no God suddenly mean your life is worth living because you are right? Does it suddenly bring happiness? Does it really give you a newfound sense of purpose? And on the contrary, does proving that there is a God all of the sudden make Him Sovereign in your life? Does it now mean that you will believe in Him? There is no point in having the knowledge of Someone superior to yourself unless you are willing to acknowledge and accept it. It would be better not to believe or have even known in the first place. I just believe and let the chips fall where they may. In every country in the known world (I'm certain in the unknown world as well) there is some concept of deity and someone or something to be worshiped. I believe the need to worship is in and of it self primal and intentionally placed by God because this life is not all there is to life and it should be lived with a sense of purpose. Without purpose there is no real reason to live and suicide (by method fast or slow) seems the most fitting alternative. To be continued. . . .

What In The World Am I Thinking?

It's about a quarter to midnight and I am wide awake wondering why. I don't have to be up. There are hundreds of reasons why I should be asleep, yet for some reason sleep eludes me. Well I suppose one obvious reason I can't sleep is that my three year old calls my name like a broken record hoping that I will indulge his midnight rendevous after I already spent a hefty quarter of an hour finding the perfect thickness and ergonomical arrangement of the bedcover for him! And then, perhaps another reason has absolutely nothing to do with my Little Midnight Wonder: I can't sleep because my mind is full and fully awake. I can't sleep because the big wheels keep on turnin' and I have no idea of what to do about my renegade steamship riverboat "Proud Martha". It is so easy to say "Life hands you a lemon. . . (you know the rest of the saying)." But sometimes making lemonade is not so simple. Sometimes problems may be or seem simple and yet they present perfect imposssiblities. I didn't expect my car to blow up (well actually, die) yesterday only days after paying a mint to get it out of the shop. I didn't plan on needing a new vehicle as I am preparing to put my oldest child in private school in the Fall (those places charge tuition!). I didn't expect for an additional 500-600 dollars to come out of my husband's already elastic paycheck this month due to someone else's miscalculations (especially since his is the only income we have)! There really aren't always simple answers to the simplest problems in life, or, are there? I'm sitting here in my chair wondering if it is as simple as just getting up off my butt and doing something about the problem. Can't you just go to work CeCe, and put the baby in daycare? Sure, if that would solve all the problems. But does that one move solve all the problems? Possibly, but what about those times when there is absolutely nothing (and I repeat nothing) that can be done (by me) about them? Where do I go from that point? Self-help gurus (who by the way probably do not have the problems I have because there are enough people like me to get them out of some of their problems with each book purchase)? Eastern Religion? No religion? So many questions, so little time to answer them. To be (rich, gorgeous, skinny, popular, forever young, ease-y, debt free, self-sufficient, you name it) or not to be (rich, gorgeous, skinny, popular, forever young, ease-y, debt free, self-sufficient, you name it)? Are those the questions? Just curious. I know what my answer is but I would love to know what you think. So, don't be afraid to mention what you think the answers may be. Good morning.

The Truth Is . . .

How many times does one have to hear a phrase or saying before one realizes it is the truth? Have you ever heard the saying the more one repeats a lie the more one comes to believe it until the line between fact and fiction is no more? Well, I've come to the conclusion that the more one hears the truth the more one believes it as well. Now here comes the fun question: What is truth? I am not one to debate about whether truth is relative to the person who espouses it. I don't debate at all. I just believe. Is there a truth relative for everyone? I believe there is, but then I'm finding that most of the truths that hit home the most are the ones that relate to my life and living. As much as I would like to do this, I cannot always escape the reality (truth) of my life. Some circumstances are what they are and can not be altered, others can change or be changed but there are certain truths about the self that just are what they are and do not change no matter how much we would like them to go away permanently. I have a hard time accepting the bad in me. Not becuase it's not true, but honestly because I don't like to think that I have negative traits that affect my life and living. It doesn't mean that those traits define me totally as a person, and it definitely doesn't mean I go changing the rules to "fit" so that I don't "feel" like a bad person. Does that really change anything anyway? It does seem to put me at the Crossroads of decision. Do I chuck the reality and make my own rules? Some would argue that there are no rules and rules are for the weak-minded. That in essence says there is no true reality (absolute truth). We may as well all be a part of The Matrix and bend our realities to fit with the situations as they come (seems like fun on the Big Screen but it would make me crazy after a while). I would dare to venture that living by rules(principles) actually puts things the other way around. It takes more courage for an alcoholic to admit it to himself first and then to others that he has a problem. It is his own personal truth, yes, but there are others who may be in the same or a worst position; who are unwilling to even realize such a problem in themselves. They may deny their own need and call him weak for his admission, but, why do they chide?I believe that deep down inside of all of us is a seed of truth that is a part of all of us and no matter how we try to bury it or "cover it up" to remove it remains. And for some of us it remains locked up until death. To me that is a sad waste of a fettered life. I believe subconsciously we know it's there and we choose not to acknowledge it, but it is there and with the right opportunity and exposure to the right elements it germinates and grows. Even then there are our attempts to pluck the seedling up and destroy it, but the funny thing about the truth is that it never stays dead long. It has a funny way of resurrecting itself. Perhaps that is why we chide one another: we see the "bad" in others that also resonates with in our own hearts. We then must acknowledge our own fallibility. It then brings all of us to the Crossroads of decision. Do we now continue pressing for the truth about someone else knowing that it also presses for the truth about ourselves? And then what do we do about that realization of the truth about ourselves when it comes? The concept of absolute truth can be frightening not just for those who choose not to believe it but also for those who do choose to believe it. But there is such a freedom about knowing yourself and accepting the truth but even more for me because I know the truth about myself (good or bad) and then I'm no longer stuck I have the freedom to move forward down whichever path I choose because it is now a choice.

Happy Mother's Day

This Blog is for all Mommies who can't seem to make sense of life. I am a stay at home mother who is occasionally torn between working and staying at home, raising children (spouse included) or running away with the circus. I know there is much debate and perhaps hostility over stay at home vs. go to work. I have had both sides of the coin of working outside of the home and having someone else care for my children and staying at home with them. The other thing I know is that whatever women choose to do; being a mother good, bad, or seemingly ugly is a "dem" hard job. For those who find it a necessity to work (single parents, extreme financial situations, sanity retention) I will never call you selfish or blind or wrong for what you do. You can only make the decision based on what you know and what is best for you and your family. Everything that is done in life is based on some principle. What principle do you live by? Have you ever thought about it? I just want to know what people are thinking. Good luck in your journey.

I Could Use A Drink

Wait. This isn't me. I want to do something! But is there really any way a thirsty-thirty-something-parent-of-two-and-spouse-of-one can really find contentment without "contempt"ment? Sometimes I wonder if being dedicated to a cause without consideration of my own desires is okay. I really do ask myself if what I long for on the inside (dreams, hopes, personal goals) is realistic or even necessary. Any one else?