Friday, March 20, 2009

What God has for me. . .

Right now my son is in the ICU of a children's hospital in St. Petersburg, FL, and I am not there. I am not in a state of panic but I have received a sense of clarity on somethings that used to irk me to no end and now how I should FEEL about those things. My son is asthmatic and is frequently hospitalized and medicated for it. He went to the E.R. yesterday so that he could get a more aggressive treatment since his home treatments were inadequate. I fully expected for him to be hospitalized there at the local hospital, so you can imagine my shock when the doctor told me he wanted my son to be transferred to another hospital over 2 hours away! At the time I was the one at the hospital with all three children and I knew I wouldn't be allowed to take the babies in the transport vehicle. So I called my husband from work and rollercoaster began. Now the reason I'm writing this has everything to do with a longstanding feeling of resentment I have for being the only one to stay at the hospital and sit with the children when they would have to be there (two of my children are relatively sickly). And for once I thought I would be relieved that I didn't have to stay at the hospital and endure the constant interruptions that keep my child from resting and the torture of watching tests and procedures being done and having to comfort and stay calm when my own heart is breaking. But suddenly when it was settled that my husband would be the one to go since the baby and my younger son couldn't go into the ICU, I began to have this overwhelming feeling of, get this, anger and resentment! Why? Why on earth would I be feeling this way and acting this way when I'm getting what I "want"? Because deep down I knew that it really wasn't what I wanted. I want to be there to comfort and care for my baby and this time I felt absolutely helpless because he's worse off than times before. My husband is very supportive and he does what he has to do. I'm sure he prefers that I was there instead of he, but this happened (in my humble opinion) to show me that what I do as a mom can be very tough but it is what He made me for. Sure I can do all those other things like working and hobbies turned career but deep down when I'm not doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing as a mom I feel lost and you KNOW we womend don't like feeling lost! Well, I'll keep you posted on my guy and I expect to be giving a good report very soon. God bless you for reading!:0)

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